Remember how I almost got married a decade ago in a bid to conform to society’s expectations? If you haven’t read part 1, start here. All caught up? Let’s continue . . .
Oddly, despite making the decision to soldier on, I continued to say a prayer that went something like — “Lord, if this guy is not the one for me, please remove him from my heart and life. Don’t let me make a mistake.” Strange, yes? God, in His mercy, answered. One day I felt something like scales fall off my eyes and simultaneously had a series of flashbacks of all the red flags I was ignoring. And boy, were they many! I saw the entirety of our dating life from a crystal-clear perspective. It was like watching a movie of someone else about to make a colossal mistake. That day, I knew I could not go ahead with the wedding. So, I called off the next visit in our cultural process. Actually, truth be told, I didn’t have the courage to outright cancel it. I instead postponed the date, without offering a new date. He knew something was wrong, but he did not make a fuss. But (and again I shake my head) I continued to date him. I didn’t have the courage to leave. He had not been unfaithful, or abusive, or any other majorly negative thing. I continually asked myself, “In what universe does a 30-something-year-old-girl call off an engagement yet the guy is faithful and honourable? What will people say?” I kept this up for perhaps a year. All the while praying for God to remove him from my heart and life. Again, like I said, God in His mercy answered my prayer. He gave me both the courage and opportunity to call it off. God even ensured my dad had my back because dad told me that it should not matter what people think of me, only that I was making the right decision. So, I called off the engagement.
I thought the shame and pain would kill me. But God! God is so faithful! I did not cry once after I called it off. Instead, I felt relieved and joyful and eager to see what God had in store for my future. I also thought He had a husband waiting right around the corner; but that’s a story for another day.
Now that I am older, and slightly more mature in my faith, I understand that marriage should represent the love Jesus has for His bride/the church . . . it isn’t something to be taken lightly. It certainly was madness for me to want to get married just because I was getting old. At only 33! Ha!
Like I said in part 1, I am now 43. Knowing what marriage symbolises, makes me want to go into it for the right reason, and with every intention of honouring my vows.
Some days I despair about whether it will happen.
But then, even if I never get married, it doesn’t diminish my worth, or my love for Jesus! I’d much rather keep being transformed than conform to society’s expectations.