Category: Waiting

Posted on

What Will I Choose?

Happy New Month! 

What was your June like? 

My month was hard, but it ended well.  

It was hard because the situation—the one that’s got me on an emotional rollercoaster—continues to be a source of many tears. However, the final week of the month brought a valuable lesson.

You see, before June, I had said every prayer and confessed every sin I could think of. Yet not a thing changed. There was no materialisation of the word I received from God. (If you’re wondering what this “situation” is, check out a few of the previous posts)

So I came to the conclusion that there must be a mega sin in my life that I’m unaware of, and this sin is “blocking” my prayers, and keeping God from listening to me.

It was around this time that I distinctly heard the Lord say to me, “My ear is attentive to your cry.” 

This word brought me comfort for a day or so, but when nothing changed (again!) I began to question why God would say He is listening, but still do nothing. 

Then, through a friend, the Lord sent me this verse: 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 
James 1:4 NIV

And it was then that I understood I was in training. The delay wasn’t about a mega sin, but about God maturing my faith. Now, you’d think that understanding what was happening would settle the matter for me, but nah! I was soon back to tears. 

But God, in His infinite goodness, has shown me that I am impatient. I do not want to persevere. I want to have Him give me instant relief . . . to resolve issues immediately.

Yet, just as physical growth takes time, spiritual growth doesn’t happen instantly either. It too, takes time. Plus, the only way to mature my faith is to patiently persevere through discomfort, because I have faith that God will end the discomfort. Then, when I face similar situations in the future, I can relax because I have experience in trusting God to bring me through the discomfort. The post Through, Not Around makes so much more sense for me now!  

As I write this, the Lord has brought to mind a verse which presents me with a choice:

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” 
Romas 12:12 NIV

The choice? Keep crying and feeling abandoned. Or, stay hopeful—actively trusting—because I know God will bring this season to an end. And, I suppose the longer it takes me to make the right choice, the longer I remain in this “bootcamp.”  

What is absolutely certain to me is that I cannot persevere, be joyful, or hopeful in my own strength. Even now as I write, I can feel impatience nudging me to ask for this to be over. 

“Lord Jesus, set me free from impatience! Help me to persevere, to be joyful, and fully trust You.“

Do you need to say this prayer with me?

Posted on

Every. Day.

Hello! It’s been quite a while since I was on these streets. How have you been?

I have had a lot going on with me and around me.

Please share, I hear you say! Okay, okay, here goes . . . 

I’ll start with what has been going on around me. And by around me I mean mostly not in my heart or mind.

My father retired. Rather, he was unwillingly retired because he had hit the mandatory retirement age. And with that came depression. He had gone from being a workaholic to waking up and having nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Then the depression turned into memory lapses, and rapidly deteriorated into dementia. So my siblings and I moved him so he could live closer to us. Being the only one who can be easily uprooted, I moved into the new flat with him (thanks to having no family of my own! I never thought that the day would come when that was an advantage. Ha!).

Meanwhile, as I prayed concerning my father, I so clearly sensed the Lord say that my dad’s issue wasn’t dementia but sadness/depression. And prior to retirement or dad’s issues manifesting, I had received a vision of my dad speaking at a church. Now — my dad is opposed to all things religion or God . . . and even more opposed to the fake “born-again types” (how he refers to us believers!). So to see him in church, speaking, was to me absolute confirmation that the day would come when he would say yes to Jesus. And when the dementia symptoms started to show up, it was an indication to me that the symptoms would be reversed because to accept Jesus, he would need to have a sound mind. 

Yet, knowing all this, it’s been really difficult handling the symptoms. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since day 1 of moving in with him. Every day I wake up hoping that today is the day I see dad restored, and as at last evening, that day hadn’t come. (I will add yet because I am certain the day will come!)  

Every morning as I wonder how I will handle the day’s disappointment if there is no change in dad, I am discovering that the Lord is faithful even when He seems to be far off. Every day He has given me a word or a song that keeps me going for the day. 

The song that is on repeat in my mind currently is the great old hymn “Great is Thy Faithfulness!” If you’ve read The Forgotten Day, you know how I love those old-time hymns. 

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see:
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

The part that’s really struck a chord with me this week is “morning by morning new mercies I see.” Which of course is taken from:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
For his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22–23 NIV

Nobody warns you of the challenges that come with caring for an ailing/ageing parent, or the valleys that one must go through before God’s promise is fulfilled. Not even reading about Joseph & his prison adventures is preparation enough! . . . But this one thing is for sure — God is faithful and He supplies the comfort, mercy, encouragement, peace, or grace that you need for that day. Because He alone knows where your heart is at, or what the day will bring. So when you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster, that’s the time to cling to Him even more.

Every. Day.

Posted on

The Forgotten Day

We have officially got into our rainy season here, and the grey weather has crept into my life. These past couple of weeks have been turbulent for me. Actually, it’s probably more accurate to say these past couple of months! Some days I feel like I’ve been tossed into a raging sea. Before I can come up for air and breathe, I find myself tossed about again. It’s been very uncomfortable! All this while trying my best not to re-join the waltz! 

I’ve observed and learnt a few things that I’d like to share . . .

The big lesson is that I must learn to watch my thoughts. Self-control doesn’t just apply to physical appetites or throwing about careless words. Self control also applies to the thoughts I allow to take up residence in my mind. I’m learning that no matter what’s going on with me, I must monitor my thoughts so that they don’t lead me down a dark rabbit hole. Some of the thoughts I must kick out include “Why me, Lord? Why is this happening to me?,” or “Why aren’t You answering my prayers, Lord?,” and any other thought that accuses God of being unkind. I’m (doing my best) to be like Job and remind myself that I should be ready to accept both good and bad from God. Hoping that somewhere down the line the turmoil will end, and I’ll see what God was working out. Like it says in Hebrews 12, God disciplines/trains those He loves through hardship, and

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” 
Hebrews 12:11 NIV

So now, when I chat with the Lord, I ask Him to show me what He is working in me and for me. I ask Him to teach me to persevere through, and not around the situation. 

This week I’ve also spent lots of time on one of my favourite ways to soothe my soul . . . listening to the great old-time hymns. I’ve found much comfort in singing along as I do my daily tasks. It has been so helpful! And led me to stumble upon an observation . . .

As I listen, I cannot help but think that we, believers in Jesus today, have lost part of the hope we have in Jesus. What do I mean? Well, a great majority of the hymns mention life with Jesus in eternity. And life with Jesus forever isn’t something that we hear taught or discussed much these days. It is almost becoming a forgotten day. Yet we are told that His return should be something we use to encourage one another . . . 

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." 
Hebrews 10:24—25 NIV

One of the graces that God has given us is the gift of knowing that our time on earth is brief, and therefore there will be an end to our suffering and troubles. We also have the promise that Jesus will come for us so we can be with Him forever. I suspect that if we reminded each other of this fact often, then we would be encouraged to persevere through seasons of discipline/hardship. We might also be discouraged from the endless pursuit and hoarding of wealth.

This has certainly been my experience this week as I listen to the hymns. The hope that I will receive a new nature that isn’t prone to sin, and be with God forever has been renewed in me. I’m hoping that as I continue to listen to the hymns, that I’ll get to the point where this hope is so alive in me that I can brush off things that would ordinarily annoy me or cause me to complain. Because I know that in comparison to eternity, these things are a meaningless “vapour.” I really would love for this to be true for me! 

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.  It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ," 
Titus 2: 11—13 NIV

Posted on

Blameless!

Today I’d like to write about a matter that’s very dear to my heart. 

If you’ve read this post, you’ll know that somewhere in my past, I cancelled a wedding. My wedding, that is! What you don’t know is that I haven’t dated anyone since. Initially I was so excited about the Lord saving me from getting into a marriage that would cause me grief, that I didn’t care about dating again. I was happy to wait for the Lord to bring the right guy, at the right time. Then the years turned into a decade, and I began to despair.  If you’re African, you know the value that our society places on having children and keeping the family name going. You might even have an aunty (or more!) who talk to you incessantly about having children!

Well … now that I’m getting closer to 50, nobody asks about children any more. To them, it’s too late, so they don’t bother! Which, when I think about it, is good since I despair enough on my own and certainly have no need for external sources of despair on the matter. But what comes along with the despair that many are unaware of, is the shame of being single and childless at this age. Our society can be harsh and unforgiving toward people in my situation. If I were to measure the weight of the shame I (and others) carry, it would break the scale. 

With the shame comes questions ranging from “what’s wrong with me that I’m single and childless?” to “what sin is God punishing me for?” Once in a while, the question “am I under a generational curse?” also pops up. 

On the flip side, I ask myself … if the Lord were to give me children now, would I have the energy to raise them? Wouldn’t having children at this age bring more shame because I’m having children when my peers are having grandchildren? As you can see, the word “shame” appears a lot. I suppose that’s part of our African context and culture. 

But recently I was reading the Bible and saw something that I’d not noticed before: 

“In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron.  Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commands and decrees blamelessly.  But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old  
Luke 1:5—7 (NIV)

Did you see it? Elizabeth and Zechariah were old, and childless, but blameless in God’s sight! For me, that totally nullified the “what sin is God punishing me for?” or “generational curses” questions. These verses have provided great comfort and encouragement since! 

I still have days when I wish my life was different in regard to having a husband and children, but then I also know that to follow Jesus means that like Him, I have to be willing to carry my cross. And if this — keeping my body pure — is the cross I have to carry as I follow Jesus, then so be it! 

So to all the single ladies out there who are staying pure for Jesus’s sake, may God give you the strength and joy to keep going. To all the married ladies who are staying faithful to their husbands by not having a child with another man and passing this child off as his, may God richly bless you! Lastly, to all the husbands, who like Zechariah remain committed to their wives despite having no children, may God show Himself faithful and hear your prayers! 

No matter what your situation, stay close to Jesus because in Him you are blameless!

Posted on

Through, Not Around


This is part two of the previous post. If you haven’t already read it, please start here.

Another thing going on is that being here has got my emotions all over the place because of certain challenges I face with my relative. This is despite the Lord showing me two years ago – before there was a problem – that everything would go well. Of course I did not understand the vision then, but now I do. So, I already have assurance that things will work out and end well. But I’ve found myself wavering between holding onto this hope and being overcome by doubt. Somewhat like a pendulum swinging left to right, high then low. 

Even with the faith booster from my extra Bible reading, my thoughts still venture into the realm of doubt and despair. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried out to the Lord to take me back home! Why? Because I know He already intends to heal and save this relative, and He has the power to do so in an instant. There’s no need for Him to wait to do what He is able and willing to do! 

Which is why I’ve been asking Him “what are You waiting for?” Then yesterday it clicked . . . He is waiting for me to stop being a pendulum; He is standing by until I am “strong, firm, and steadfast.” The Lord doesn’t want me to take a shortcut that avoids this situation, but rather to go through it, with Him by my side, and come out stronger. 

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast

1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)