Month: October 2023

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Conformed or Transformed 2

Remember how I almost got married a decade ago in a bid to conform to society’s expectations? If you haven’t read part 1, start here. All caught up? Let’s continue . . .

Oddly, despite making the decision to soldier on, I continued to say a prayer that went something like — “Lord, if this guy is not the one for me, please remove him from my heart and life. Don’t let me make a mistake.” Strange, yes? God, in His mercy, answered. One day I felt something like scales fall off my eyes and simultaneously had a series of flashbacks of all the red flags I was ignoring. And boy, were they many! I saw the entirety of our dating life from a crystal-clear perspective. It was like watching a movie of someone else about to make a colossal mistake. That day, I knew I could not go ahead with the wedding. So, I called off the next visit in our cultural process. Actually, truth be told, I didn’t have the courage to outright cancel it. I instead postponed the date, without offering a new date. He knew something was wrong, but he did not make a fuss. But (and again I shake my head) I continued to date him. I didn’t have the courage to leave. He had not been unfaithful, or abusive, or any other majorly negative thing. I continually asked myself, “In what universe does a 30-something-year-old-girl call off an engagement yet the guy is faithful and honourable? What will people say?” I kept this up for perhaps a year. All the while praying for God to remove him from my heart and life. Again, like I said, God in His mercy answered my prayer. He gave me both the courage and opportunity to call it off. God even ensured my dad had my back because dad told me that it should not matter what people think of me, only that I was making the right decision. So, I called off the engagement.

I thought the shame and pain would kill me. But God! God is so faithful! I did not cry once after I called it off. Instead, I felt relieved and joyful and eager to see what God had in store for my future. I also thought He had a husband waiting right around the corner; but that’s a story for another day.  

Now that I am older, and slightly more mature in my faith, I understand that marriage should represent the love Jesus has for His bride/the church . . . it isn’t something to be taken lightly. It certainly was madness for me to want to get married just because I was getting old. At only 33! Ha! 

Like I said in part 1, I am now 43. Knowing what marriage symbolises, makes me want to go into it for the right reason, and with every intention of honouring my vows.

Some days I despair about whether it will happen. 

But then, even if I never get married, it doesn’t diminish my worth, or my love for Jesus!  I’d much rather keep being transformed than conform to society’s expectations.

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Conformed or Transformed?

A couple of days ago, my friend and I were having a laugh about the grass always seeming greener on the other side of the fence. You see, she’s married and wishes she were single. I am single and want to be married! How perplexing!  

Even though I’m single at 43, I almost got married a decade ago. The key word is almost. Why? How? Why? 

Well, the brief version is that we were incompatible. Mismatched. Unsuited.  

The longer version is that the guy and his family came home for what is the first visit in our cultural marriage process. My parents, family, and some friends were there to witness the joyous occasion. He and I had been dating for a while, and this was the expected next step. The night before, however, I found myself crying and feeling sad as I thought about the following day’s ceremony. You see, deep down, I knew that we were not a good match. I had asked him every possible question to gauge his opinion on issues that were important for me. Not once did he and I have the same stand on what mattered to me. Not once! Despite this, I continued dating him in the hope that he would change his mind or come around to my way of thinking’. Being in my early 30s, I believed that this was my final chance to get married. I thought that if I let this opportunity slip, I would be too old for anyone to ever consider me. How naive I was a decade ago! 

So back to the day before his family came for a visit. I knew I was highly likely making a mistake. However, the parents were now involved, and I couldn’t very well change my mind at that point. If I did, I would bring shame on my family and make me look like an outright idiot! If you know anything about African culture, you know that bringing shame to the family is a ‘no-no.’ Remember Miss goody-two-shoes? (Read it here) Well, she could not imagine being the one to set such a bad example for her younger siblings and cousins; or embarrass her parents. So, I did the sensible thing and chose to soldier on, with the intention of getting out of the marriage when things got worse. After I had a baby; of course! 

See how the devil’s lies can sound so reasonable? 

That’s why Romans 12:2 says we shouldn’t conform to the world’s patterns. 

Look out for Part two . . . 

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Goody Two-Shoes, or Born Again?

Goody goody. Remember that snack? Hmmm . . . what a pleasant memory! If you grew up at the same time I did, there was this totally yummy chocolate called ‘goody goody.’ Those were the days! Even a mental image of the goody goody wrapper brings a smile to my face. 

But enough of my childhood memories! 

On to today’s matter. Are you a goody two-shoes, or a born-again Christian . . . 

So, goody two-shoes describes a person who always wants to do what’s right. I used to be a goody two-shoes. Always striving to be well behaved; to make the right choices and say the right thing. My motivation for being a goody two-shoes was to get people to like me. I figured that if I was obedient, courteous, docile, and agreeable then people would think I am a nice person. I guess you could say I was looking for acceptance from people.  

Then, there were other times that I just wanted to do what is right, because I was brought up that way. For instance, when I started my own business, there was an economic standstill due to political issues in the country. A friend introduced me to a board member at an organisation with offices country wide. This board member offered to make sure I won a tender that was yet to be advertised. All I had to do was inflate my quotation to include a handsome cut for him. To my friend’s surprise, I declined the opportunity. A small part of me wondered what I was doing, given the (harsh) economic situation at the time; but I knew I had made the right choice. My confidence in my choice was based on lessons from my dad as I was growing up. My decision had nothing to do with representing Jesus at work. At the time, I believed it was sufficient to do the right thing. I was simply a goody two-shoes.

More than that, I thought God was pleased with me for being well-behaved and making ethical choices at work. I even thought I was better off than some of the born-again people I knew, who did things I disapproved of! What I didn’t realise is I was still a sinner in God’s eyes, despite being a goody two-shoes. How come? Well, because all of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23). As you can imagine, I was rather surprised when I learnt this! What with all the effort I made to have people like me and accept me, I was nowhere close to being accepted by God!

Now, this realisation created some turmoil in me because I did not want to be ‘one of those saved people.’ Bit by bit, however, I became conscious that the only solution in God’s eyes was to be born again. I began to grasp that because of Jesus, God treats us much better than we deserve, by freely accepting us and setting us free from our sins (Romans 3:24).

How about you? Does doing the right thing rank highly for you? Do you like to be courteous and speak to others nicely? Do you believe in treating others fairly? Perhaps, like many Kenyans, you’ve perfected the art of throwing in an ‘amen’ here and a ‘praise God’ there? Well, . . . these are all good-to-do, but they don’t get you into God’s good book (also known as the Book of Life).

So, don’t just be a goody two-shoes. Be born again! Ama?

PS: If you are not sure that you are born again or you want to be born again, let’s chat some more on ‘precioushonouredloved@gmail.com’

 

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The Minister and the Doorman

In the 1980’s, my sister and I had the privilege of being the cutely dressed little girls who give flowers to the guest of honour at a government function. In those days it was quite common . . . perhaps even expected by the politicians! So, this one time, my sister and I were giving flowers to a certain well-known cabinet minister. Actually, in the 80’s, all cabinet ministers were well known! But I digress. Unexpectedly, the then Vice-President showed up at the function unannounced. Because there was only one set of flowers, we did an adorable curtsy, and said hello to him; with the flowers out of sight! To my surprise, the Vice-President was quite pleasant to us. He took time to say hello and engage us in a brief conversation before entering the room.

Shortly after, the cabinet minister who was guest of honour showed up. We put on our most charming smiles and presented the bouquet to him. To my surprise, he made no eye contact with us, took the flowers and without glancing at them, passed them on to his aide. Then he kept walking and talking to whoever he was with. Given the Vice-President’s warm acknowledgement, I was upset by this minister’s lack of warmth. As in, he didn’t think we were important enough for him to say hello to!

Fast-forward to a workshop I attended recently. We were given a task that involved reading James 2:1—12.  This is how the passage begins:

“My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favouritism.”

James 2:1 NIV

As soon as I read this, I remembered the 1980s incident. I also had a flash back to earlier that morning when I arrived at the workshop venue. I was driving behind a new, flashy, pearl white Mercedes Benz. Without describing my car (which I happen to love) . . . let’s just say it is nothing like the Benz that was ahead of me 😊. So, I was quite surprised when the hotel doorman directed me to park my car under an attractive car shade while he allowed the Benz to squeeze itself out in the open, under a tree. Now, next to my car were exquisitely engineered cars. Quite unlike my car.  Similarly, the Benz was out of place where it was. The treatment I received from the doorman was very uncommon for me!

See, I live in a culture that seems to attach people’s worth to their wealth. The more wealth you have, or even appear to have, the more respectably people treat you. Sadly, this happens even with ushers at church, at family get-togethers or even in schools. 

The passage in James goes on to say,

“Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in.  If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 2:2-4 NIV

I don’t know about you, but I am guilty of discriminating against people; based on their looks. Sometimes I find myself clutching my bag a little tighter when a less-affluently-dressed person comes close to me. Or flashing a brighter smile to the person who looks like a million dollars. What’s worse, is I don’t have to think about it; it just happens. Almost as though it is engrained in my DNA to act that way.  Which is terrible!  Especially when I consider what else it says in James . . .

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbour as yourself,” you are doing right.  But if you show favouritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.”  

James 2:8-9 NIV

I am now aware that I can be like that cabinet minister — making people feel unworthy, rejected and shunned. Or, like the doorman, I can make people feel valued, welcome and appreciated; no matter how they look, dress, speak, where they live, or what they drive. 

The choice is in my hands!

We should see people through God’s eyes — precious, worthy, accepted, and loved. Loved enough for Jesus to die for their sins. We should treat all people well so that those around us begin to see a difference in the way we live. Then, it becomes easier to introduce them to Jesus! 

Pray with me . . . “Lord, help me to love like Jesus.”    

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A Most Unlikely Teacher

Yesterday, I planted my first flower. Yes, yes, it’s okay to be surprised that this 1970-something born girl hasn’t planted anything before. I am a city kid and paid no attention whatsoever to any agriculture/farming lessons in school. So much so that, when I got to Form 1 and we were allowed to drop subjects, it was absolutely clear that agriculture would be the first subject to go!

Now that I am older (and wiser), I am reconsidering my attitude towards farming and gardening. Hence, the flower was my first attempt to learn a new skill. As I covered up the roots with soil, I found myself harbouring an unexpected thought. You see, my intention was to prepare the area for planting, set the flower in place, restore the area with soil, clean my hands and continue with my day. But this unforeseen thought took my mind hostage. I found myself feeling some sort of connection to the plant and wanting to see it thrive. I admit, part of this feeling was so I could say my attempt at gardening was successful. However, I also genuinely wanted to see the plant develop well.

As I often do, I shared this thought with the Lord; asking Him to let the plant grow well. At which point I sensed the Lord say to me, “If you care for the welfare of this plant, how much more do I, Your Creator, care about your well-being, my child?”

At that instant, a portion of Matthew 6 flashed through my mind:

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you— you of little faith?

Matthew 6:28-30 NIV

See, I’m currently in a season where the business environment isn’t as healthy as it could be (thanks to the post-COVID-19 effects). Many companies have been forced to scrap their training budget, which means there is less work available for me. So, there have been moments when I’ve been anxious about provision. See why the Lord used my initial attempt at gardening to teach me a lesson? He sure doesn’t waste any opportunities!

And, while I am trusting Him to provide for me, I should simply do what the well known Sunday School song taught us – “Why worry, when you can pray . . . ”

(Sing along with me, won’t you?)